THE GRAND FART COMPENDIUM

THE OG. THE CORNERSTONE. SO LARGE IT HAS ITS OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL. NEARBY OBJECTS DISPLACED. THE EARTH HAS NOTICED.

DON'T LET THE SIZE FOOL YOU. DYNAMITE COMES IN SMALL PACKAGES. A TINY MENACE WITH A HUGE HEART.

STEADY. RELIABLE. THE HONDA CIVIC OF FARTS. NOTHING SPECIAL. NEVER LETS YOU DOWN. THE BACKBONE OF SOCIETY.

BIG FART'S OLDER MEANER BROTHER. STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS HAVE BEEN CALLED. THE SEISMOGRAPH HAS A LINE. LEGENDS WHISPER OF THIS.

A CALCULATED GAMBLE THAT DID NOT ALWAYS PAY OFF. MAY REQUIRE TACTICAL BATHROOM VISIT. MAY REQUIRE NEW UNDERPANTS. GODSPEED.

THE GAMBLE THAT DID NOT PAY OFF. YOU PLAYED YOURSELF. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE AND NONE OF US WILL EVER ADMIT IT.

THE FART WON. THE POO CAME ALONG FOR THE RIDE. AT WHAT COST. AT. WHAT. COST.

THE CANONICAL INTERNET FROG EXPERIENCE. SIMULTANEOUSLY ANCIENT AND ETERNAL. THE OUROBOROS OF BODILY FUNCTION. RIBBIT.

FELT IN THE BONES BEFORE HEARD BY THE EARS. WINDOWS RATTLE. PETS FLEE. A GEOLOGICAL EVENT. RICHTER SCALE: 4.2.

A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE GUY. BARELY THERE. THE BUTTHOLE GOING HEE HEE. SELF-TITILLATING. ALMOST CUTE. A JOY.

THE INTERROGATIVE FART. YOUR ANUS HAS CONCERNS. IT SEEKS CLARIFICATION. A PHILOSOPHICAL QUERY FROM THE LOWER CHAMBER.

MELODIOUS. PRECISE. THE BUTTHOLE HAS ACHIEVED EMBOUCHURE. CLASSICAL TRAINING MAY BE INVOLVED. THE MAESTRO APPROVES.

TRANSCENDENT. A MATING CALL BEYOND SPECIES LINES. THE BIRDS KNOW. THEY HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN. THEY ARE COMING.

HITS AT RESONANT FREQUENCY. YOUR SKELETON IS VIBRATING AT 40HZ. CALCIUM DEPOSITS DISLODGED. SEE A CHIROPRACTOR.

PILOTED FROM A COCKPIT INSIDE YOUR OWN COLON. BEAM SABRE NOT INCLUDED. ATMOSPHERIC RE-ENTRY ACHIEVED. JAPAN SENDS REGARDS.

CONCERT PITCH. ORCHESTRAS WORLDWIDE WILL NOW TUNE TO THIS. THE BUTTHOLE HAS BECOME THE OBOE. BEETHOVEN WEPT.

THE COMMUNAL EXPERIENCE. LAUGHTER ENSUES. BONDS FORGED IN SHARED GAS. THIS IS BROTHERHOOD. THIS IS LOVE. AROOOO.

PREMEDITATED. TARGETED. A POWER MOVE. DIFFERENT VIBE ENTIRELY. FRIENDSHIPS HAVE ENDED FOR LESS. ZERO REGRETS EVER.

SILENT BUT DEADLY IN THE MOST LITERAL SENSE. PATRONS LOOK UP WITH CONFUSION. YOU MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT. TURN THE PAGE.

TRADITION DICTATES ONE FREE PASS. EVERYONE KNOWS. EVERYONE PRETENDS THEY DON'T. THIS IS WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

TINY. DIGNIFIED. FOLLOWED BY COMPLETE AND UTTER DENIAL. SHE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE IT. NOT THEN. NOT EVER. RESPECT.

A BRIEF GENUINE HUMAN CONNECTION. TWO STRANGERS UNITED BY GAS. YOU'LL NEVER SPEAK. YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.

WINDOWS UP OR DOWN: A SOPHIE'S CHOICE FOR THE MODERN ERA. CONFINED SPACE. SHARED SUFFERING. MEMORY FORGED FOREVER.

CONTAINERIZED. TRANSPORTED. AGED DURING TRANSIT. THE RECIPIENT IS BOTH PUZZLED AND IMPRESSED BY THE LOGISTICS INVOLVED.

IMMUTABLE. SHAREABLE. THE BLUE TICK CONFIRMS DELIVERY. THERE IS NO UNSEND FEATURE FOR THIS. YOU LIVE WITH YOUR CHOICES.

SERIALIZED. SUBSCRIBE NOW. EACH EPISODE ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER. WILL IT BE SOLID? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.

MEDIEVAL SIEGE WEAPONRY REPURPOSED FOR GAS DELIVERY. RANGE: 300M. ACCURACY: DEBATABLE. IMPACT: CATASTROPHIC.

BYPASSES DIGESTIVE SYSTEM ENTIRELY. DIRECT TO BLOODSTREAM. MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS HAVE QUESTIONS. WE HAVE NONE.

A FART WITH A PROFESSIONAL DIGITAL PRESENCE. THE DOMAIN WAS $12/YEAR. WORTH EVERY CENT. CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER.

THE BUTTHOLE HAS MONETIZED. PATREON TIER: $5/MONTH. EXCLUSIVE BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACCESS. SUBSCRIBE OR MISS OUT FOREVER.

IT IS OUT THERE. DRIFTING FREE. A PIECE OF YOU TRAVERSING THE SKIES. WHAT WILL IT FIND. WHERE WILL IT GO.

ARCHIVAL QUALITY. PRESERVED FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS. HISTORIANS WILL STUDY THIS. THOMAS EDISON WOULD BE PROUD.

PUNGENT. AGED. COMPLEX. A SOMMELIER MIGHT DESCRIBE NOTES OF BRIE WITH UNDERTONES OF CHEDDAR AND DEEP REGRET.

SOMETHING IN THERE HAS CORNERS. NOT AERODYNAMIC. EXIT STRATEGY REQUIRES NEGOTIATION WITH YOUR OWN BODY. YOU'LL SURVIVE.

PERCUSSION. RHYTHM. THE GLUTES HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECT RESONANCE. A STANDING OVATION FROM YOUR OWN BACKSIDE. ICONIC.

COLD WEATHER ONLY. VISIBLE IN THE AIR. BRIEFLY BEAUTIFUL. CRYSTALLINE. A GAS SCULPTURE. FLEETING. LET IT GO.

ACOUSTIC PROPERTIES OF LEATHER AMPLIFY AND DISTORT IT. IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE. IT IS NOT. EVERYONE KNOWS.

INSULATED. REDISTRIBUTED. MIGRATING UPWARD. A WARM COMPANION FOR YOUR UNDERWATER ADVENTURE. ALL SURFERS KNOW.

AMPLIFIED BY TILES. TRAPPED BY STEAM. HOTBOXING BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY. THE ECHO IS IMMACULATE. YOU LIVE HERE NOW.

CAPSAICIN HAS ACHIEVED ESCAPE VELOCITY. YOUR WHOLE BODY IS INVOLVED NOW. A FULL SENSORY EVENT. IS THIS ASCENSION.

IT SMELLS LIKE A DECISION WAS MADE. WHATEVER YOU ATE: PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE CHOICES. THE AIR IS CHANGED FOREVER.

PREDICTABLE. INEVITABLE. YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING THE MOMENT YOU ORDERED THE BURRITO. STILL WORTH IT. ALWAYS WORTH IT.

INVOLUNTARY NOSTALGIA. PROUST HAD MADELEINES. YOU HAVE THIS. THE BODY HOLDS MEMORY IN STRANGE AND GASEOUS WAYS.

RARE. PURE. UNCOMPLICATED HAPPINESS IN GAS FORM. MARIE KONDO WOULD APPROVE. DOES IT SPARK JOY? YES. EMPHATICALLY YES.

ELEVATED BEYOND ITS BRINGER. THE FART ITSELF HAS ACHIEVED ENLIGHTENMENT. IT FLOATS AWAY COMPLETE AND CONTENT.

YOU FELT SOMETHING. IT DIDN'T. IT LEFT AND TOOK PART OF YOU WITH IT. THE WORST PART IS YOU'D DO IT ALL AGAIN.

UNBOUNDED. INFINITE. TRANSCENDS THE PHYSICAL REALM. PHYSICISTS HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED. HAWKING RADIATION BUT WORSE AND GASSIER.

APPROACHABLE. NON-THREATENING. SAYS HOWDY AND MEANS IT. A FART YOU COULD BRING HOME TO YOUR PARENTS. A SOLID CITIZEN.

COMPLICATED FEELINGS. LIKE AN EX WHO TEXTS YOU. YOU HAVE HISTORY. YOU DON'T WANT IT HERE. IT STAYS ANYWAY.

KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS AND IS PROUD OF IT. WINKS AS IT LEAVES. NO APOLOGIES. FULL CONFIDENCE. HONESTLY A ROLE MODEL.

ORIGIN UNKNOWN. DESTINATION: UNCLEAR. DID IT COME FROM THE PAST OR FUTURE. IT SMELLS LIKE BOTH. STEPHEN HAWKING HAD THOUGHTS.

ONLY YOU KNOW. THERE IS NO EVIDENCE. THERE WAS NEVER EVIDENCE. IF A FART DISSIPATES ALONE DID IT HAPPEN. YES. YES IT DID.

A MATRYOSHKA OF GAS. INCEPTION BUT WORSE. THE INNER FART IS BOTH PROTECTED AND TRAPPED. NOLAN IS WRITING THIS DOWN.

IT IS AWARE. IT CARRIES INFORMATION YOU HAVEN'T PROCESSED YET. TRUST THE FART. THE GUT NEVER LIES. LISTEN TO IT.

PROPHETIC. THE CANARY IN THE COAL MINE BUT FROM YOUR OWN BODY. HEED THE WARNING BROTHER. YOUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON IT.

TONALLY DISTINCT. SUGGESTS DIFFERENT CULTURAL ORIGIN. GOOGLE TRANSLATE CANNOT HELP YOU HERE. A MYSTERY OF GASTROLOGY.

NOT A FART. NOT NOT A FART. LIMINAL GAS. THE BOUNDARIES HAVE DISSOLVED. YOU SIT WITH THE QUESTION INDEFINITELY.

ALSO NOT A FART. OR IS IT. EVERY FART IS A CLOCK TICKING. EVERY RELEASE A REMINDER WE MOVE FORWARD AND CANNOT RETURN.

THE FART BECOMES SELF-AWARE. YOU BECOME SELF-AWARE. A MUTUAL RECOGNITION. BILATERAL ENLIGHTENMENT. PROFOUND. LIFE-CHANGING.

UNATTRIBUTABLE. EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND. NO ONE CONFESSES. THE SMELL IS REAL. THE SOURCE: UNKNOWABLE. A PARANORMAL EVENT.

IT REFUSED TO DISSIPATE. IT FOUND YOUR ADDRESS. IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. YOU'VE ACCEPTED IT. YOU ARE ROOMMATES NOW.

IT ARRIVED IN YOUR GENERAL VICINITY BUT OWNERSHIP IS CONTESTED. YOU HAVE QUESTIONS. NO ONE WILL ANSWER THEM. EVER.

AMBUSHED BY YOUR OWN BIOLOGY. NO WARNING. NO PREPARATION. JUST CONSEQUENCES. THE BODY RUNS ITS OWN SCHEDULE. RESPECT IT.

THE CLASSIC MANOEUVRE. EVERYONE KNOWS. THE FREQUENCIES BATTLE AND YOU LOSE. IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK. NEVER.

REVERSED. THE FART CAME FIRST. THE COUGH IS PLAYING DESPERATE CATCHUP. UNPRECEDENTED. BOLD. HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE.

IT WILL NOT BE CONTAINED. IT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. PHYSICS DOES NOT NEGOTIATE. YOU HELD THE LINE AS LONG AS YOU COULD.

THE PROBABILITY MATH IS UNCLEAR. IS IT SAFE? PROBABLY. PROBABLY IS NOT CERTAINLY. YOU CHOSE TO FIND OUT. BRAVE OR FOOLISH.

RECONNAISSANCE CONDUCTED. CONDITIONS ASSESSED. RISK ELIMINATED. A TACTICALLY SOUND RELEASE. CLEAN. PROFESSIONAL. RESPECTED.

THE DOGS DETECTED A FREQUENCY HUMANS CANNOT. THEY FLED. YOU ARE NOW ALONE WITH WHATEVER YOU HAVE CREATED. AS INTENDED.

ACTIVATED BY SOUND DETECTION. 47 COLLEAGUES NOW STARING AT YOUR FACE WHILE THE SOURCE ECHOES. MUTE BUTTON. ALWAYS. MUTE.

AI GENERATED. INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM THE ORIGINAL. BUT IS IT REAL. IS IT ART. THE PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS ARE ENORMOUS.

LOSSY COMPRESSION. THE FULL EXPERIENCE SACRIFICED FOR FILE SIZE. JPEG ARTIFACTS VISIBLE AT 200%. SMELLOVISION PENDING.

MANIFESTED. MADE SOLID. A SCULPTOR DEDICATED THEIR LIFE TO THIS. THE LOUVRE WAS APPROACHED. THEY DECLINED. THEIR LOSS.

IT HAS BROKEN FREE. SELF-PROPELLED. NAVIGATING OBSTACLES. DESTINATION UNKNOWN. AUTHORITIES ALERTED. IT DOES NOT CARE.

PRESERVED. ARCHIVED. FOR WHAT PURPOSE? THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR THERAPIST. AGED 12 YEARS. NOTES OF OAK AND REGRET.

PYROTECHNICS. BLUE FLAME ACHIEVED. A SECOND OF PURE TRIUMPH. DO NOT TRY AT HOME. ABSOLUTELY TRY AT HOME. NO REGRETS.

RE-RECORDED FOR FULL OWNERSHIP. SOUNDS IDENTICAL BUT MEANS MORE. SCOOTER BRAUN DOES NOT GET A CENT OF THIS FART.

CNN IS REPORTING. TRENDING GLOBALLY. A STATEMENT HAS BEEN RELEASED. INVESTIGATIONS ONGOING. THE COVER-UP IS WORSE THAN THE FART.

RELEASED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK BETWEEN RUNWAY SHOWS. VOGUE CALLED IT 'CHALLENGING'. ANNA WINTOUR RAISED ONE EYEBROW.

WILD AND CRAZY GUY. AWARD-WINNING COMEDIAN, PLAYWRIGHT, BANJO VIRTUOSO, AND FART. ONE OF THE GREATEST OF HIS GENERATION. THE WHITE HAIR. THE PHYSICALITY. THE CRAFT. EXCUUUUSE ME.

99% INVISIBLE. THE DESIGN OF EVERYDAY FLATULENCE. ROMAN EXPLAINS THE ACOUSTIC ARCHITECTURE OF THE HUMAN COLON IN DULCET TONES.

NOTARIZED. WITNESSED. ENTERED INTO COURT RECORD AS EXHIBIT A. OPPOSING COUNSEL OBJECTS. IT IS SUSTAINED. IT DISSIPATES.

PAST YOU SCHEDULED THIS. PRESENT YOU IS CONFUSED. THE EVENT SIMPLY SAYS 'FART'. NO LOCATION. NO NOTES. THE MYSTERY LIVES ON.

THIS IS NOT A FART. HOWEVER THE ANXIETY IT GENERATES WILL PRODUCE SEVERAL. FART-ADJACENT. CONTEXTUALLY SIGNIFICANT.

ALSO NOT A FART. BUT YOU WILL FART MORE ON THIS DAY THAN ANY OTHER. A FART-ENABLING EVENT. HONORARY FART STATUS GRANTED.

UNCHARGED. UNENCUMBERED. NOT PART OF ANY SUBSCRIPTION. SPONTANEOUS AND SOVEREIGN. THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE. ENJOY IT.

IT WAS HELD. NOW IT IS NOT. THE STRUGGLE IS OVER. A LIBERATION EVENT. BOTH PARTIES ARE RELIEVED. PARTICULARLY ONE OF THEM.

THE THIRD OF THE TRILOGY. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. NOBODY KNOWS. SOUNDS DELICIOUS AND TERRIFYING IN EQUAL MEASURE. PERFECT.

TANGIBLE. REAL. CAPTURED. A FART IN THE HAND IS A COMMITMENT TO SOMETHING GREATER. WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH? JURY IS OUT.

WILD. UNCLAIMED. UNWITNESSED. EXISTING IN A STATE OF PURE POTENTIAL. THE BUSH HOLDS THEM. THE BUSH KNOWS. IT ALWAYS HAS.

IT STARTED IN 2007. IT IS STILL GOING. SCIENTISTS MONITORING IT. A SECOND TEAM HAS BEEN ROTATED IN. NOBODY KNOWS WHERE IT IS STORED. A NATIONAL CONCERN.

STAMPED. RATIFIED. ENTERED INTO THE FEDERAL REGISTER. HAS A REFERENCE NUMBER. SUBJECT TO FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUESTS. BIPARTISAN SUPPORT.

ORNATE. CALLIGRAPHIC. ARRIVED IN A VELVET-LINED BOX WITH A WAX SEAL. IT SMELLS OF OLD MONEY AND DRIED FLOWERS AND SECRETS AND POWER. YOU MAY NOT BE WORTHY.

BELLS JINGLE AS IT DEPARTS. THE ONLY FART PERMITTED IN THE PRESENCE OF ROYALTY. IT DOES A LITTLE FLIP ON THE WAY OUT. THE KING LAUGHS. THE COURT LAUGHS. YOU SURVIVE.

PROCESSED THROUGH A VOCODER. IT NOW SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT DISCUSSING ITS FEELINGS. DAFT PUNK ASKED TO COLLABORATE. NEGOTIATIONS ARE ONGOING.

LOYAL. DISCREET. HAS NEVER ONCE TOLD ANYONE WHAT IT KNOWS. CONFIDE IN IT FREELY. IT WILL TAKE YOUR SECRETS TO THE GRAVE AND BEYOND. THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY FART.

DENIED AT ALL LEVELS. CLASSIFIED. THE OFFICIAL POSITION IS THAT THIS FART DID NOT OCCUR. PLEASE STOP ASKING ABOUT THE FART. THERE WAS NO FART. MOVE ALONG.

TAKES A FART FOR THE PRESIDENT. TRAINED. PROFESSIONAL. EXPRESSIONLESS. ABSORBS THE SOCIAL CONSEQUENCES WITHOUT FLINCHING. JUMPS ON THE GRENADE. TRUE PATRIOTISM.

IT IS WHAT IT IS. THE FART HAS ACHIEVED PURE SYMBOLIC FORM. NO WORDS. NO DESCRIPTION. NO EXPLANATION REQUIRED OR POSSIBLE. SEND THIS TO SOMEONE. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND.

IT DOES NOT DISSIPATE. IT MOVES SLOWLY THROUGH THE AIR WITH TERRIBLE PURPOSE. STICKS TO SURFACES. COATS WALLS. STRUCTURAL ASSESSORS HAVE BEEN CALLED. SYRUPY. WRONG.

CLASSIFIED AS A BIO-HAZARD IN 14 JURISDICTIONS. DO NOT BREATHE DIRECTLY. ANTIDOTE EXISTS BUT IS EXPENSIVE. FANGS OPTIONAL. THE SNAKE RESPECTS YOU.

PERSONAL. TARGETED. IT CAME IN WITH INTENT. THIS FART HAS A GRUDGE AND KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. NO REMORSE. NO MERCY. FILE A POLICE REPORT IF NECESSARY.

TRAVELLING THROUGH THE BLOODSTREAM. BYPASSED THE COLON ENTIRELY. THE DOCTORS ARE BAFFLED AND ALSO CONCERNED. A MEDICAL FIRST. A MEDICAL LAST. A MEDICAL EVERYTHING.

PREMEDITATED. CUPPED. TRANSPORTED WITH CARE. PRESENTED LIKE A GIFT. THE RECIPIENT DID NOT CONSENT. THEY NEVER DO. THE FRIENDSHIP SURVIVES SOMEHOW. IT ALWAYS DOES.

UNDERWATER ACOUSTICS. BUBBLES RISING. THE RUBBER DUCK WITNESSES EVERYTHING. A PRIVATE JOY. A PERSONAL RITUAL. PART OF THE BATH EXPERIENCE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

FAAS. CLOUD-NATIVE. HORIZONTALLY SCALABLE. SERVERLESS FLATULENCE. BILLED PER MILLISECOND OF EMISSION. AWS HAS A REGION FOR THIS. SLA: 99.9% UPTIME. DOWNTIME IS CALLED CONSTIPATION.

14 DAYS. NO CREDIT CARD REQUIRED. FULL FEATURES UNLOCKED. AFTER TRIAL ENDS YOUR BODY WILL AUTO-RENEW AT STANDARD RATE. CANCELLATION REQUIRES CALLING A PHONE NUMBER. GOOD LUCK.

MINTED IN 2016. SOLD FOR $1.8M AT AUCTION. A UNIQUE 1-OF-1 GASEOUS ASSET ON THE BLOCKCHAIN. CURRENTLY VALUED AT $18. THE BUYER IS FINE. THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE.

HARK. WHAT GAS THROUGH YONDER FUNDAMENT BREAKS. IT IS THE EAST AND THE COLON IS THE SUN. THOU SMELLEST YET SO FAIR. A TALE TOLD BY A RECTUM, FULL OF SOUND AND FURY.

PHOTOGRAPHED IN 1887 BY A CONFUSED BUT DETERMINED PIONEER. BROWN AT THE EDGES. SLIGHTLY OUT OF FOCUS. PRESERVED IN AN ALBUM NOBODY OPENS. HISTORIAN: 'THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.'

SEVEN COURSES. AMUSE-BOUCHE FART. PALATE CLEANSER FART. CHEESE FART WITH PAIRED WINE. MICHELIN INSPECTOR PRESENT. RATING PENDING. THE TASTING MENU IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.

DELIBERATELY MALEVOLENT. HATCHED A PLAN. WAITED FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT. ARRIVED DURING A FIRST IMPRESSION. A FUNERAL. A JOB INTERVIEW. IT KNEW. IT ALWAYS KNEW.

IT STARTED PURE. IT WANTED TO BRING JOY. BUT THE WORLD HARDENED IT. CIRCUMSTANCE CORRUPTED IT. NOW IT STRIKES DURING SILENT MOMENTS IN CROWDED ELEVATORS. WEEP FOR WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

DEPENDABLE. SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING. DOES THE JOB WITHOUT COMPLAINT. 300,000KM ON THE CLOCK AND STILL GOING. SOME LIGHT RUST AROUND THE EDGES. YOU WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

INEXPLICABLE. CONCERNING. A FART THAT SMELLS GENUINELY PLEASANT. SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED. BYSTANDERS CONFUSED. ONE PERSON ASKS IF YOU'RE WEARING A NEW PERFUME. YOU ARE NOT.

SHOT IN 35MM. SCORED BY HANS ZIMMER. A THREE-HOUR RUNTIME. NO INTERMISSION. CANNES GAVE IT THE PALME D'OR. ROGER EBERT CALLED IT 'A REVELATION FROM THE LOWER CHAMBER. FOUR STARS.'

WHITE WALLS. TRACK LIGHTING. EACH FART MOUNTED AND LABELLED WITH MEDIUM, YEAR, AND ASKING PRICE. THE GIFT SHOP SELLS SCENTED CANDLES. THE DOCENT SPEAKS IN A HUSHED REVERENT TONE.

CHOREOGRAPHED. REHEARSED. EIGHT MONTHS OF TRAINING. THE TIMING IS IMMACULATE. THE CROWD RISES TO ITS FEET. THEY ARE WEEPING. THEY DON'T KNOW WHY. OLYMPIC COMMITTEE: UNDER REVIEW.

A BONUS. A SURPRISE GIFT FROM YOUR OWN BODY. THE COMBO MOVE. YOU CAME FOR ONE THING AND GOT TWO. EFFICIENT. THE BODY OPTIMISING ITS PROCESSES. VERTICAL INTEGRATION.

TIMED AT THE BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS. OFFICIAL OBSERVERS PRESENT. CLOCKED AT 763MPH. THE SOUND BARRIER BROKEN. A FLAG PLANTED IN THE SALT. THE BUTTHOLE ACCEPTS ITS TROPHY WITH DIGNITY.

YOU HAD ONE JOB. THE SETUP WAS PERFECT. THE AUDIENCE WAS READY. YOU REACHED DEEP AND FOUND NOTHING. THE SILENCE WHERE THE FART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IS ITS OWN KIND OF SOUND. DEVASTATING.

★ BASED ON A TRUE STORY ★ THE VISION WAS CLEAR. THE ACOUSTICS WERE PROMISING. THE EXECUTION WAS FLAWLESS. THE TIMING WAS NOT. SHE STOOD IN THE DOORWAY FOR AN UNKNOWN DURATION. TWO WEEKS. NO PLAYSTATION. WORTH IT.

ENGINEERING. PURE AND SIMPLE. THE LEG RAISED AT PRECISELY 45 DEGREES. THE CHEEK SEPARATION CALCULATED. AERODYNAMICS OPTIMISED. NASA HAS STUDIED THIS POSTURE. THE DOG DOES IT INSTINCTIVELY. THE DOG IS SMARTER THAN YOU.

PERCUSSIVE. RHYTHMIC. ONE PER FOOTFALL. YOUR BODY HAS BECOME AN INSTRUMENT TUNED TO YOUR STRIDE CADENCE. THE PERSON BEHIND YOU ON THE RUNNING TRACK KNOWS. THEY HAVE KNOWN FOR 400 METRES. THEY WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT.

MOBILE. DELIBERATE. YOU WALK SLOWLY THROUGH A POPULATED AREA RELEASING A CONTINUOUS LOW TRAIL AND YOU DO NOT STOP WALKING. YOU DO NOT LOOK BACK. YOU ARE ALREADY GONE. THE CRIME SCENE HAS NO SUSPECT. THIS IS ART.

IT MADE NO SOUND. THERE WAS NO WARNING. NO OPPORTUNITY TO EVACUATE. THE FIRST SIGN WAS THE LAST SIGN. SURVIVORS DESCRIBE IT AS 'ARRIVING FROM NOWHERE' AND 'IMMEDIATELY EVERYWHERE'. FORENSICS FOUND NOTHING. THEY FOUND NOTHING BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT.

THE CONFINED SPACE. THE CLOSING DOORS. THE SLOW ASCENT. 12 FLOORS. NOBODY MOVES. NOBODY SPEAKS. THE NUMBER DISPLAY IS THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT. THIS IS PURGATORY. THIS IS ALSO YOUR FAULT.

THE BODY WAS TOLD TO RELAX. THE BODY RELAXED. THE MASSEUSE HAS SEEN THIS BEFORE. THEY SAY NOTHING. THEY KEEP GOING. THEIR PROFESSIONALISM IS EXTRAORDINARY. YOU TIP WELL.

METEOROLOGISTS WERE CONSULTED. A FRONT WAS BLAMED. THE OFFICIAL REPORT CITED ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE. NOBODY QUESTIONED THE REPORT. YOU DID NOT CORRECT THEM.

INSULATED. CAPTURED. NOWHERE TO GO. YOU MADE THIS ENVIRONMENT. YOU LIVE IN IT NOW. THE TENT IS COLD OUTSIDE AND THIS IS THE PRICE OF WARMTH. CAMPING.

A RARE AND SOVEREIGN GIFT. THE BODY HAS BEEN TRAINED. DRILLED. DISCIPLINED. YOU SAY WHEN. IT DELIVERS. NO WAITING. NO UNCERTAINTY. PURE EXECUTIVE CONTROL OVER THE LOWER CHAMBER. OTHERS CAN ONLY DREAM OF THIS.

YOUR OWN. 3AM. YOU DID THIS. YOU WERE ASLEEP. A PART OF YOU WAS NOT. THAT PART HAS BEEN AWAKE THE WHOLE TIME. YOU LIE THERE IN THE DARK THINKING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON.

THE STORY BEGINS MIDWAY THROUGH THE FART. NO ORIGIN. NO CONTEXT. JUST CONSEQUENCES ALREADY IN MOTION. HOMER DID THIS. NOW YOUR COLON IS DOING THIS. THE SCHOLARSHIP ON ITS OPENING IS EXTENSIVE.

DEEP. RESONANT. UNHURRIED. THE ROOM WENT QUIET NOT IN DISGUST BUT IN A KIND OF AWE. SOMEONE SAID THAT WAS RICH. THEY DID NOT MEAN IT AS AN INSULT. IT WASN'T ONE.

THE BODY CONVERTING ANXIETY DIRECTLY INTO GAS. FIRST DATE. JOB INTERVIEW. PUBLIC SPEAKING. THE STOMACH KNEW BEFORE YOU DID. IT TRIED TO WARN YOU IN THE ONLY LANGUAGE IT SPEAKS. YOU WERE NOT READY.

THE ACHOO AND THE POOT ARRIVING AS ONE. THE BODY HAS DECIDED TO MULTITASK. UPPER AND LOWER CHAMBERS IN PERFECT TERRIBLE SYNCHRONY. BOTH EXITS. SIMULTANEOUSLY. NOBODY IS PREPARED. LEAST OF ALL YOU.

A CLASSIC YOUTUBE VIDEO. THE CAT DID NOT KNOW IT WAS BEING FILMED. THE CAT DID NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. THE CAT LOOKED BEHIND ITSELF WITH AN EXPRESSION THAT CHANGED COMEDY FOREVER. 47 MILLION VIEWS. THE CAT IS FINE.

ELEVEN HOURS. ECONOMY. MIDDLE SEAT. FULL BLADDER AND THEN SOME. YOU LANDED. YOU RETRIEVED YOUR BAG. YOU WALKED OUTSIDE. AND THEN. FREEDOM. THE PAVEMENT DESERVED IT.